marriage

My Dinner Debacle

I made a dinner for my family the other night that was so unbelievably bad (I am kind of gagging just thinking about it) that I need to blog about it to exercise the demon.

For proper context, my family is in a food rut. My husband and I have about 5 dishes that we make well and quickly and that can please the whole family (including one vegetarian). I can name them right now:
• Pasta with basil, grape tomatoes, olives and feta
• Chili
• Spinach rice
• Cheese enchilada/taco/burrito type meal
• Grilled “stuff” (steak or chicken for the majority; tofu for the vegetarian; veggies)

We have a couple of these dinners a week and fill the rest in with take-out: Chinese, Indian, Thai, Italian or pizza.

I am sure this happens to all families, especially those of us with two parents working outside the home. Don’t tell me to try a food prep delivery service. We tried it.

The first one we tried was so fancy that it would take us hours after a long day at work to prep and cook the bespoke food in the box. So, we jettisoned that one.

We tried another one that was dubbed “easy and fresh”, and while it WAS pretty easy and pretty fresh, no one liked it. It wasn’t bad, it just kind of felt like eating a school lunch.

So. Here we are.

Then the other night, somehow my husband and I both got home before 6 and decided to go grocery shopping together. We googled a recipe for Chicken Divan (something my mom makes that we love). For the uninitiated, this is a baked casserole type dish with chicken and broccoli in a cheesy cream sauce. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just use her recipe. I guess I thought the Googleverse could one up my mom.

What Chicken Divan is supposed to look like…

We got the ingredients and brought them home. Hearing the plan, Sophia (our vegetarian) immediately opted out of any talk of a veg version of the recipe and ejected from the house to a friend’s like someone in an airplane about to crash. Foreshadowing.

Sophia captured ejecting from the house as we started to cook the dish.

We started the recipe. The first problem I noticed was that the baked chicken we bought didn’t seem totally cooked. This freaked me out and I asked my husband to take the chicken off the bone for me (not a fan of handling raw meat).

At first, he poo poo-ed this “No way. We bought it as a fully cooked chicken” (to provide a little marital context: he is a knowitall an engineer, and often poo poos any of my observations related to the physical universe). But then, he started to look at the meat more closely, and too was a little weirded out by the partial rawness, but reasoned that it would be cooking for 45 minutes in the oven and that would “take care of it”.

Next thing was that the sauce seemed “over” creamy for its own good. Creamy in a crazy-ass Paula Deen-type way. In this recipe, you not only add mushroom soup (which as I recall is in my mom’s 70’s glorious recipe), but also some sour cream AND MAYONAISE! AND WHAT?! That really made me pause, but I figured this is a 5 star recipe from a food aficiando site.

Ok. Next was some white wine (which I also recall from my mom’s recipe) but also lemon and curry. The latter seemed like a good idea to me at the time. I love curry. But that would come back to haunt me.

Last was a bread crumb, parmesan cheese and butter mixture mixed on top. For those keeping “fat” track, we were now up to sour cream, mayonnaise and butter. I am not a low-fat fanatic, but was seriously starting to worry about our health at this point. But, too late. I was committed.

In the oven it went. It was now 8 PM. My starving 13 year old son was interrupting gaming on his iPad every 10 minutes to ask “is it ready yet?”.

Finally at 8:45, it came out of the oven. It looked pretty good in the pan.

However, when we dished it up, we noticed that the artery clogging sauce looked “puffy” (in my husband’s words). And not in a good way (if there is a good way for a sauce to look puffy). Also? The sauce was colored a weird yellow by the curry.

The sauce was as weird, puffy and yellow as this Boohbah.

As we took the first bites, we were silent. The taste which was weird at best (I think due to the curry, lemon and mayo) somehow got worse with each bite. The odd taste combined with the crunchy bread crumbs was just unpleasant.

Finally, I broke the silence. “This is pretty bad”.

My husband tried to put a spin on it. “It is weird but I think I can eat it”. (LOL. I love him dearly. His forebears were settlers in Nebraska. I envision this was something one of them might have said while trying to choke down a squirrel.)

Theo screwed up his courage, his expression looking full of pity for me, and said “Mom. This is really not to my taste. Can I just have dessert?”.

I have to say the latter was a pretty proud parenting moment. Having tried to eat this monstrosity myself, I wouldn’t have faulted him in saying something more profane, but I loved him for trying to tiptoe around his disgust with all the tact of an English gentleman.

We all moved right to dessert. Some ice cream to cleanse the palate.

And the next night? Pizza.

We were as happy with the pizza as this stock family.

kales@umich.eduMy Dinner Debacle
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Beyond Valentines: Lessons from my relationship heroes

 

Today is Valentine’s Day: a day of hearts, flowers, chocolate and the hope for love. In our family, Valentine’s Day was always also a family holiday, where my mom gave each kid their own little gift. One special gift I recall my mom giving to me on Valentine’s Day when I was about 10 was the book “The Secret Garden” with an inscription about how much she loved me. So I grew up loving Valentine’s Day because I felt so cherished.

By the time I got to high school, Valentine’s Day had upped the ante. Some club in our high school had a fundraiser where they sold carnations that people could give to each other: white for a friend, pink for someone you were interested in, and red for someone you loved. Tired of getting all white flowers one year and seeing the cool girls walking around with bouquets in a symphony of pink and red, my friends and I decided to get crafty and give each other the pink and red ones, “signed” by the boys from other schools we were interested in (the boys really existed, but clearly were not clued into Hershey High School’s carnation of love system). I cherish that memory because it demonstrates our ingenuity and a sort of “Galentine’s Day” solidarity before that was a thing.

My friends Jocelyn and Chantal and I did Galentine’s Day without knowing it.

As an adult, Valentine’s Day continues to be a family holiday for us. I plan to give each of my kids a little something today. But alas, my husband is away on a work trip this week, so in a sense, I find myself in the carnation situation again. After almost 25 years together, it is ok, because our love is more than hearts, flowers and chocolate (although Pat if you are reading this, flowers would be nice. They do have phones and the internet in Minnesota).

It gets me thinking about marriage and how to get it to last, it has to be more than the Valentine’s Day stuff which while heady and exciting, will not get you through the hard times. And in any marriage, there are hard times. So for Valentine’s Day, I thought I would ask five couples who are my “relationship heroes”, people who have great loving relationships after many years, how they do it. What I love about their answers is that, while each is a bit different, you will find common themes embedded.

Dr. Ling and Betty Tan: The Tans are ethnic Chinese who emigrated from Indonesia in the 1960’s to the US. The Tans have been married for 56 years, years that included Ling’s stellar success as a physician and Fulbright Scholar in his 70’s as well as the tragic loss of their beloved son Bobby 25 years ago. Through it all, the Tans have retained their love, faith, compassion and common interests (they are avid ballroom dancers). They are my relationship goals for their easygoing presence with each other as well as everyone they meet.

Helen: Dr. Tan, I am writing a blog post about beyond Valentine’s Day. Any thoughts about how you and Betty have sustained marriage through life’s ups and downs?

Ling:  Helen, this is a question that’s not too easy to answer. I guess most of it just happens naturally or perhaps instinctually. But like in all enduring relationships, a good compromise is necessary, where the process of give and take, or push and pull consistently apply. Certainly love and patience help quite a bit. To be respectful to one another, show loving kindness and thoughtfulness, generosity and gratefulness, and have the capacity to forgive are all important ingredients to a sustained marriage.

Helen: One more question, any wisdom on handling fights?

Ling:  As a husband I always follow the two rules: Rule #1: The wife is always right.  Rule #2: When in doubt, quickly go back to Rule #1.  As a wife, you always allow the husband to have the last words, which are “Yes dear”.  Whatever the fight was about, always make up before sleep.

Ling and Betty on their wedding day 56 years ago and today.

Drs. Tony and Joyce Kales: Full disclosure. These are my parents. I have written about them quite a bit, but in a nutshell, they were famous psychiatrist-researchers who had three wonderful and fantastic (especially the middle one) children. Their ups and downs included many career successes as well as some personal losses including the premature deaths of each of their brothers. They share a faith, with Joyce having become Greek Orthodox later in their marriage, and a passion for all things family, and have been married for 55 years. They are my relationship goals for their steady commitment to family.

Helen:  I am writing a blog post about beyond Valentine’s Day. Any thoughts about how you and Dad have sustained marriage through life’s ups and downs?

Joyce:  We believe in perseverance (stick with what you know is right), love (of the type described by St. Paul) and hope (this too will pass). We pray together. We try not to dwell on problems, but on solutions as in “don’t complain about the darkness, but light a candle instead”.

Helen: One more question, any wisdom on handling fights?

Tony:  When you are really angry, you start not to think clearly. As Dick Vitale used to say during basketball games, that is when you “need to take a T.O. (time out) baby!!

Tony and Joyce surrounded by their kids and grandkids.

Lynn and Tim Holland: Lynn was my daughter Tasia’s preschool teacher from when she was a baby to when she was in kindergarten. As such, Lynn became a friend and part of the family as did her wonderful husband Tim. Earlier in their marriage, the Hollands sustained tough times with the help of counseling and stayed together and have now been married 36 years. They are my relationship goals for a couple who are truly best friends and enjoy each day together in wonder and laughter.

Helen:  Lynn, I am writing a blog post about beyond Valentine’s Day. Any thoughts about how you and Tim have sustained marriage through life’s ups and downs?

Lynn: Haha. We are arguing about what to say!! So, having a sense of humor and being kind to each other. Turning towards the other person. Tim says putting each other first and gratitude. We also spent a lot of time and money on therapy. Couples and individual. For when you hit those speed bumps of life.

Helen: One more question, any wisdom on handling fights?

Lynn:  We always say, fight fair and fight in the present. Don’t dredge up the past.

Lynn and Tim, living their dream on a daily basis.

Karen and Angelo Ialacci: Karen is my cousin and she and Angelo have become the hub of my generation of my big fat Greek family (Angelo has his own big fat Italian family, so he gets it). They are in business together, running numerous pizza franchises. They have also weathered the illnesses and surgeries of their children, always together, always with grace and humor. They have been married for 30 years and are my relationship goals for a couple who is always keeping each other laughing and retaining a positive outlook despite whatever curveballs life throws at them.

Helen:  Karen, I am writing a blog post about beyond Valentine’s Day. Any thoughts about how you and Angelo have sustained marriage through life’s ups and downs?

Karen: We believe marriage is a forever thing. You don’t enter into marriage thinking it may not work out. It’s important to choose the right person. We definitely laugh a lot and give each other the space we need. That’s kind of hard because we are together 24/7, but we enjoy each other’s company.

Helen: One more question, any wisdom on handling fights?

Karen: I let Angelo win! LOL. Or at least he thinks he’s does. If we are in a real heated argument, we each go to a corner to cool off and meet back and talk, but we always get through it.

Karen and Angelo, partners in pizza and in life.

Lauren and Rich Grubb: Rich was in my high school class (Hershey High Trojans ’83!) and married Lauren who is the younger sister of another classmate. I became reacquainted with Lauren on Facebook where I have grown to greatly admire her approach to life and her marriage to Rich, which is one of the most solid around. Notably, Lauren sustained a traumatic brain injury four years ago in a car accident and lives daily with the consequences including severe migraines and memory loss. After 30 years of marriage, she and Rich continue to create a beautiful life with their three daughters, and are my relationship goals for their continued devotion to each other and their commitment to celebrating the small moments each day. As you will see in her responses below, despite her TBI, Lauren is also one of the most eloquent writers I know.

Helen:  Lauren, I am writing a blog post about beyond Valentine’s Day. Any thoughts about how you and Rich have sustained marriage through life’s ups and downs?

Lauren: I think when you love someone, you find a way to work through the highs and lows. In sickness and in health – these wedding vows have been our test of our marriage these last four years. The easier thing for sure would be to just give up. So many times I say to Rich, just go, be free of all of this with me, but he always says in return “um ya no, that’s not an option, next?”…which makes me feel special despite my deficiencies.

Communication has always been key for us. We have a rule that if something is bothering us we talk about as soon as we can.

Our faith too motivates us to not give up and is our foundation that we built our marriage on.

Taking time to make US the priority, by having date nights, giving little surprises, get aways, walks, slipping uplifting notes in lunches, inspirational quotes or just a thank you or an I love you by text in the middle of the day can recharge the mundane. These are all essential ingredients to our marriage. The unexpected spontaneous moments keep life fun too. Not everything needs to be planned.

Hugs. Hugs and more hugs. Never enough hugs. A hug is saying ‘hey I got you and I’m not going to let you go at it alone’. We are a team and team’s only are a team if we all are working towards the same goal.

Our goal is to be together as long as life allows. I definitely married my best friend. He makes me laugh with his silly moments. I feel fortunate but marriage is still not easy. But we aren’t promised easy, or even happiness, and knowing that makes the work that goes into a strong marriage worth it all in the end despite the tough trials that come with this journey.

Helen: One more question, any wisdom on handling fights?

Lauren: Life is about choices. Marriage is about choices. Compromising is a way to agree on decisions.

Lauren and Rich, then (1985) and now

So there you have it. Enjoy the flowers, chocolates and hearts today. But to get beyond Valentine’s Day, consider the advice of these relationship heroes.

kales@umich.eduBeyond Valentines: Lessons from my relationship heroes
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